"To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub..."

This morning, at a ridiculously early time (4:30 am), I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. This happens to me on occasion; usually it's a sign that I'm anxious about something. Remember earlier this summer, when it was happening a good bit right before I left to go to Belize and when I was about to move? Trying to figure out what's got me going this time.

I'm a really laid back person, for the most part. I tend to take things as they come, and I rarely worry about things. I don't get flustered easily, and I work best when I'm under pressure. But. there's this one recurring sign that something's on my mind, and that's that I don't sleep well. It's the only indication that I usually have of my being under any kind of pressure.

I'm thinking this time it must be the approaching school year. Sure, I love my job. However, there are so many unknowns going into each new year. Will my new class be good (like last year's) or terrible (like the year before)? Will I be able to challenge them like I should? Will I set a good example, be a good role model for them? One of the toughest parts about teaching middle school is that I always have in the back of my mind the knowledge of how impressionable these kids are, that one thing I say, or don't say, could affect them for years to come. They're still at that age where what I say and think matters to them, and I do all I can to build them up, but there are some days when I'm tired or grumpy or whatever and I get irritated and snap at someone who may not particularly deserve it.

I know I'm starting to get nervous about the upcoming year when the anxiety dreams start. Crazy, I know. But I won't even be thinking a bit about school during the daytime, and -all of a sudden- I'm having these wacky dreams. My first year, I remember dreaming that I couldn't find my classroom, and I missed practically the entire first day of school. Last year (after my first year of particularly bad students), I dreamed that I couldn't control my classes and got chastised by my principal. I remember vividly dreaming that I was standing in front of the room, yelling and pleading and almost in tears because they wouldn't be quiet, and then she walks in to see the chaos. And it's already started this year, too. A couple of nights ago, I dreamed that I had to be out the entire first week of school for some reason, so that, by the time I got there, the students had gotten so used to the substitute that they refused to acknowledge me as their permanent teacher. All very amusing upon telling. However, these dreams are a little stressful when I'm trying to sleep in the middle of the night!

I had anxiety dreams in college and graduate school, too. One of them I remember well, especially since I still have it from time to time when I'm stressed out for some reason or another. In this dream, I've forgotten that I've registered for a class until a good bit past the midpoint of the semester, which is the cutoff point for withdrawing. I realize my mistake right before final exam time, so I have to show up and take it with no notes, no knowledge of the material, and no chance whatsoever of passing the class. It's my one recurring nightmare.

What's funny is that, once daylight comes, I'm completely back to my normal, no worries, self. But I know, once the dreams and sleepless nights start, I'm nervous.

So, School, here we go again. Welcome to another year!